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Thursday, February 17, 2011

 

Hospital! Awards Edition

Wrote this up during my recent hospital stay at Providence in Portland. Four days and three nights. Not the best time I ever had.
There's a striking resemblance between how H.D. looks and I feel.

AWARDS: Hospitalized Edition

I'm Finished Waiting in the Waiting Room Award: Me, for puking in the waiting room garbage can after waiting for 45 minutes. Twice. Maybe three times. I was promptly ushered into an office!

Bedside Manner Award: Doctor #3, for his classic one-liner, "I have bad news." The punchline? He really DID have bad news.

Best Prep for Bad News Award: Nurse #7, for upselling me on a dose of Benadryl to go with two Vicodin. Whooooozyyyy! What's this about bad news? What do you mean the pharmacy sent the wrong stuff? Does my head look like it's falling off my neck?

Hasty Exit Award: The priest working the cardiac unit who popped into my room. Uh...see you later?

Best Color of Scrubs: Brown

Best Secret Menu Item Award: Milkshakes! Your choice of vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry. Wonder what else "isn't" on the menu....

Good Neighbor Award: The 99 yr old woman next door, who demanded that the nurse "get your hands off me you son of a bitch! HELP! HELP! Get those bitches out of here!"

The Remember It Could ALWAYS Be Worse Award: Me again, for very nearly having to share a semi-private room with one very angry 99 year old woman.

Most Unlikely Compliment Award: To nurse #5 who told me, "You have really nice arm hair." Maybe that's why she was so intent on taping it up.

The Very Special Bell Rings for Little Angel Wings Award: To the little chimes that go off every time a baby is born. So sweet. Even at 3 a.m.

And finally, a programming note: There's still nothing worth watching when you need to watch TV.

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